Monthly Archives: September 2013

Celebrate the Small Things and Photo of the day #9

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It is Friday again and time to Celebrate the Small Things!

It has been a rough week for me since it was the 1 year anniversary of my mothers passing.
So I really NEED to celebrate the small things this week.

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Personal –

I survived the week.
I started back on my WW diet to lose the 8lbs I gained last week by eating everything in sight.
I organized all my books on the shelf and now know exactly what I have and need!

Reading –

I finished Rainwater in about 8 days – that is fast for me since the toddler child is running around crazy all the time! It was a great book and I would highly recommend it.
I started Lisa Gardner “The Perfect Husband” – I am having a hard time getting into it, but I think it is because I know it one my mom read and that is trigger something. But I am going to read it. 🙂

Writing –

This is the area that has fallen to the wayside this week. But I would still like to celebrate that I am ABOUT to get busy writing and editing again this coming week!

Also PAD #9 -Yes I know I am not doing a Picture a Day – More like a Picture a week…. However #9 is Restaurant, So I will show you a picture of my most favorite Restaurant!  – — Okay I cheated a little…. It is taken INSIDE One of my most favorite Restaurants….The Dining room on the CRUISE SHIP!

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To Walk in Your Shoes

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Today marks 1 year since my mother passed away.

I found a poem I wrote to her in 1999 – This would be 11 years before I had a child of my own and so it was so fitting that “I could only imagine”.

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To my mommy – To Walk in Your Shoes

I can only imagine how you must have felt to hold my tiny body in your arms the day I was born.

How you must have rejoiced when I spoke my first words and took my first steps.

Or how your heart must have broke the first time I got hurt.

I can only imagine how you must have sat and watched me walk into school that first day

How proud you must have been when I read my first words knowing that you instilled such a love of reading and writing.

I can only imagine how you must have felt to see me turning into a young woman.

To look into the eyes of what you still remember as a baby and see a little lady growing up before your eyes.

I can only imagine how your heart might have broke the first time mine was broken by a boy.

Or how you must have been filled with joy, love, and a even a touch of pain, to see me walk down the aisle on my wedding day.

Your little girl, all grown up.

I can only imagine how it feels, to be the most loving, giving, selfless, beautiful mother in the entire world.

I can only hope that one day I have the chance to be half the mother you have been to me.
I love you mommy, Happy Mother’s Day, your little girl, Shelly

(c) Shelly Tennyson Taylor 1999

A Confession and Suppressed Grief

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So, for the past week I have been going through the motions of a mindless eater. Actually that isn’t entirely true, I have knowingly gone into the cupboards and found the hidden Nutella jar (by the way it is either heavenly goodness or the devil, I haven’t decided which yet), eaten spoonfuls of peanut butter & Nutella mixture, taken handfuls of cereal, eaten ice cream and basically anything I wanted. Now, for a normal person this might be okay, however I am recently back at my Weight Watchers lifetime weight and so this has put all of that in jeopardy.  I dread the scale next week…. Sorry Susan, advance warning of my breakdown.

Not only have my eating habits been bad, but also I have not written a single word or edited a single page in my novel in the past 6 days. I am not reading, and I am spending mindless hours a day trying to Crush Candy…..

The question is why?

I had an epiphany moment a bit ago when I opened a piece of mail from Cobb Hospice. Reminding me, As if that wasn’t all that has been going through my head since the start of September, that we are coming up on the 1-Year anniversary of my mother’s passing.

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Aha!
In all my mindless acts, I do not have to think.
If I start to think, I might be reminded that I have lived the past year of my life without my mother, my best friend, my daughter’s Nana. Without these mindless acts, I would have to think and realize how much I miss her and how I would love to just have her arms around me one more time in a comforting hug.  I might have to realize that I finally wrote and finished a story AFTER she died and so she was not able to read it. I might have to register when my daughter says she misses her Nana. I might have to take off the mask of “I am fine, I am strong.”
I might have to allow myself to grieve for her again.  

I guess the little box I had this all tucked away in is getting wet and soggy and breaking down.

For a moment, I will allow myself to cry and be mad and sad and happy she isn’t in pain anymore. I will feel sorry for myself and for my daughter for not getting more time with her. And then, I will wipe away my tears, put on my happy face, and put it all back in a new little box and tuck it away.

Of course, in 3 days on September 9th, when we come to the “actual” day that Momma went to be with Daddy in Heaven then I might have to pull that box back out and allow myself another good cry.

Insecure Writer’s Support Group – September 2013

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So I came across this website from Alex J. Cavanaugh called IWSG – If you haven’t heard of it, it is Insecure Writer’s Support Group. The first Wednesday of every month is officially IWSG day. A day for writers everywhere to be okay sharing the insecurities they are feeling about their writings. What a great idea! And so, I joined.

For me right now I am absolutely feeling insecure about my writing.
I have finished my first draft, second draft and working on a third draft of my novel. Still I am far away from the word count I need, I am only in the low 60K and since I am not writing a romance I need to have at least another 10K words. I have added new chapters and I am now adding a third characters viewpoint into the story, so I hope this will help me out.

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Still as I go through the third draft I can’t help but begin to wonder is it really good enough?
Am I wasting my time?
Who do I think I am that I can write and publish a book? 
Am I too old?
To inexperienced?
To busy?
To lazy? ……Well, you get the picture…..

Sometimes I can look at the words on my page and go… “Wow, did I really write that? I am amazing!”
Sometimes I can look and go “Seriously, did I actually write that? What is wrong with me.”

I think (at least I hope) that all writers go through this process. Still, it is hard.

Plus, I have a ton of other ideas floating around my head and filling up note pages on my computer but I don’t think it is fair to the current story to cheat on it with another new young fresh story. So I keep plugging away hoping I will finally know when this one truly done and I can move on…..

Okay well I got all that out and survived…