Tag Archives: Daughter

August Blues

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I’ve been feeling a bit sorry for myself these past few weeks. And it really shows in the lack of writing I have done here on my blog or in my personal writings. So when I went out to check the daily prompt today and it was August Blues I thought it was a perfect time to pick myself up and shake myself off.

As a child, I was always excited and ready for the new school year to start. I was an eager learner. I soaked in everything I could and wanted to know more and more. When I played school with my best friend, I was always the student. Would it surprise you to know that today she is a Teacher? She got a lot of practice with me!

This year my daughter started Pre-K and I watch her run inside her class with hardly a glance back at me. A quick kiss and wave goodbye and she is on her way. She too is an eager learner. I look forward to all she will learn along the way. I look forward to helping her figure out what she wants out of life.

As a child, teenager, young adult I always knew I wanted to be either a writer or a marine biologist. I didn’t follow either of my dreams. My parents worked very hard to make a living for us and I saw the struggle they had each month, week, day with money. I decided when I graduated high school that it was silly to follow those dreams and possibly be broke all my life, like my parents. So, I went to school for business. I got a job as an office assistant. I worked my way up in the telecommunications field and my job today is analyzing numbers, data, financial information. It pays me well. I work from home. I should have no complaints.

And yet, my childhood dreams still linger. Twenty-Six years have passed since I graduated high school (giving away my age here!) and I still want to be a writer, I would still love to immerse myself in the ocean and learn about life below sea level. So a few years ago, I began to seriously write again. But this agent search is killing my mojo…. Sure the rejects have been kind and courteous but they have been rejects, still.

I reminded myself this morning that I have a job that pays and treats me well. My writing is for me. If someday an agent wants to represent me and start me on a new path, great. But today, the words I put on the page are not for future fame, they are to quell the voices in my head. To bring to life the worlds of the characters that need me to put their story on the page. I will keep writing because that childhood dream lives on strong.

But as for my daughter, who is just starting on this journey. I want to make sure to point her in the direction of her dreams. Not, in the direction she thinks she needs to take to make a living. Don’t get me wrong, the path I chose is what put me where I am today and I am grateful. However, I want my daughter to follow her dreams, whatever they may be. Find a way to incorporate her love of her hobby into her job and make a life that she enjoys every little tiny piece of.

August Blues? Sure sometimes I am blue, wishing I had started back my writing sooner or never quit at all. But like I said at the beginning of this post, I am going to pick myself up and shake myself off and keep writing, for me.  

 

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Celebrate the Small Things October 11th Edition.

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It is that time again! Time for the weekly Celebrate the Small Things Post! – This is a blog hop (but I don’t know how to add it) but click the link and you can join in.

Writing –

Okay I haven’t done any blogging this week except for the Celebrate post but I have been working on the editing process of my book and it is coming along nicely.

Reading –

I finished reading Tami Hoag Prior Bad Acts.  It was a good book, but it was very disturbing. The beginning scene and crime that was committed and the book was based around, for some reason ate at me and kept me in a state of feeling something awful would happen to my own daughter. So I was glad when it was finished, and think I will take a break from Mrs. Hoag’s writings for a little while.

After that rough book, I decided to read something the polar opposite and chose, Janet Evanovich’s Wife for Hire. Now, this book will not win any Pulitzer prizes, but it was a refreshing departure from the deep emotional drama of the other book, a pallet cleanser I like to call it. Anyways I finished it in 2 days, so moving on.

Just started Lisa Gardner The Third Victim. Literally, Just started and on page 1, so I will let you know my progress next week.

Personal –

I have a job – This is a celebration because 3 people at my job got laid off this week and I was not one of them. I will be transferred to a new boss next week but as far as I know my responsibilities will stay the same. Hopefully, next week I can celebrate that it was a smooth transaction.

Most of all this! How could I not celebrate this small thing! My sweet baby girl and her bestie!

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A Confession and Suppressed Grief

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So, for the past week I have been going through the motions of a mindless eater. Actually that isn’t entirely true, I have knowingly gone into the cupboards and found the hidden Nutella jar (by the way it is either heavenly goodness or the devil, I haven’t decided which yet), eaten spoonfuls of peanut butter & Nutella mixture, taken handfuls of cereal, eaten ice cream and basically anything I wanted. Now, for a normal person this might be okay, however I am recently back at my Weight Watchers lifetime weight and so this has put all of that in jeopardy.  I dread the scale next week…. Sorry Susan, advance warning of my breakdown.

Not only have my eating habits been bad, but also I have not written a single word or edited a single page in my novel in the past 6 days. I am not reading, and I am spending mindless hours a day trying to Crush Candy…..

The question is why?

I had an epiphany moment a bit ago when I opened a piece of mail from Cobb Hospice. Reminding me, As if that wasn’t all that has been going through my head since the start of September, that we are coming up on the 1-Year anniversary of my mother’s passing.

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Aha!
In all my mindless acts, I do not have to think.
If I start to think, I might be reminded that I have lived the past year of my life without my mother, my best friend, my daughter’s Nana. Without these mindless acts, I would have to think and realize how much I miss her and how I would love to just have her arms around me one more time in a comforting hug.  I might have to realize that I finally wrote and finished a story AFTER she died and so she was not able to read it. I might have to register when my daughter says she misses her Nana. I might have to take off the mask of “I am fine, I am strong.”
I might have to allow myself to grieve for her again.  

I guess the little box I had this all tucked away in is getting wet and soggy and breaking down.

For a moment, I will allow myself to cry and be mad and sad and happy she isn’t in pain anymore. I will feel sorry for myself and for my daughter for not getting more time with her. And then, I will wipe away my tears, put on my happy face, and put it all back in a new little box and tuck it away.

Of course, in 3 days on September 9th, when we come to the “actual” day that Momma went to be with Daddy in Heaven then I might have to pull that box back out and allow myself another good cry.

The First One Without Her

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Me and mom

Me and mom

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It will be the first Mother’s Day without my mom. She died last September 9th, the day after what would have been her and my father’s 45th wedding anniversary if he hadn’t passed in 2009.

On one hand it seems like she has only been gone a moment and on another it feels like she has been gone forever. I don’t think my 3 year old daughter remembers her that much anymore. It makes me sad to think that she won’t remember the endless amount of love that my mother had for her. I try to talk about her when I can but that is hard. Talking about her reminds me that I will never be able to put my arms around her and hold her close again. My heart breaks.

My mother was my very best friend. She was smart and funny and strong oh my was my mother strong, both physically and emotionally.

As I sit here I am trying to remember a “just” me and mom story and I am reminded of a time when I was just maybe 9 or 10 years old and mom had a gym membership.

Looking back can’t help but wonder why she even had the membership she was always so fit. I don’t remember her ever being overweight. But she had the membership and my dad used to drop us off at the gym and she and I would go in get changed and then go play racquetball.

We weren’t very good at it but we had fun playing, plus we got our exercise in.

Afterward we would go to this little bar inside the gym and get a fruity drink. It is pretty much what is called smoothies these days but back then in 80’s they were just icy fruit drinks.

When we were done daddy would be waiting for us outside in the station wagon. We always had a station wagon or a white van, lol!

I have no idea what those afternoon racquetball games were about. We didn’t go long. A few months was all maybe. But I loved that time with my mom. It was just us girls. And I had forgotten all about it until I sat here to write today.

Everyone says life is short but we never seem to realize it until we begin to lose the people closest to us.

Mommy in Heaven, I love you so much. I miss you every day. I dreamed about you a few days ago and in my dream I was hugging you. It felt so real that I didn’t want to wake up. Enjoy your Mother’s Day in Heaven and I will see you again one day!

Hardcore Mommy Fail!!

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So you may have read my post last week about doing the Hardcore Mommy thing (Check it out) because my 3 year old basically refuses to try anything new. I made a Cheeseburger Casserole and she refused to eat even one bite. So I followed the advice of some of my friends and went Hardcore Mommy! In the morning when she wanted breakfast I gave her the plate of food from the night before……

Before

Before

She just looked at it crying for 30 minutes refusing to even try a small bite of pasta. So she got down from the highchair and back into her room with only water for breakfast…….

After

After

At lunchtime back to the high chair and we had a repeat of breakfast. She just sat crying for 30 minutes and begging me for cheese toast. Ugggh, so down from lunch with only water again.

Have I mentioned up to this point that my daughter is just a tad bit stubborn…..

The way the 3 meal thing is supposed to work is dinner you now try a new meal. So being the strong person that I am (NOT) we all had Fish sticks and veggies for dinner. Because I knew she would eat them and I didn’t want her starve. Plus I knew Friday – Sunday would be really hard for me to stick with this new plan.

But I just can’t suffer through her not eating for 3 meals again. So instead of Hardcore Mommy I give you Easy Going Pushover Mommy.

What I have decided though is I am going to continue to try and get her to try new things. By making dinner with something I know she will eat and something new. This will give her the chance to try something new if she wants but have food on her plate that I know she likes and will eat.
Anyone else have ideas that don’t involve having to starve my child?

Oh, and I have 3 “Try something new” presents wrapped and sitting at the end of the table.
She can have one if she just try’s something new.
They have been there for some time now!

Happy Birthday In Heaven Daddy!

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My Daddy!

My Daddy!

My daddy would have turned 66 years old today.

I miss him. I wish he would have gotten the chance to meet my beautiful daughter.

I wish she would have gotten the chance to meet him. To understand just how much her Papa loved her.

I am comforted in knowing that my daddy knew I was pregnant. I was actually 13 weeks pregnant with my daughter when daddy died. At the time I was convinced that I was having a boy. But not daddy, he told me one day while sitting in my living room. “Honey, you are having a girl. I know because I have seen her and she is beautiful.” He died only a few days later.

I wonder sometimes if God showed him my daughter so that daddy knew it would be ok to go on. My daddy had been sick and in pain for a very long time. But like the fighter he was he held on as long as he could.

My life was not rainbows and unicorns growing up. My daddy was hard and downright mean at times. But he was my daddy and I loved him so much. I was a definite daddy’s girl when I was young.

One of my most favorite things I remember as a child has to be our spur of the moment vacations. Daddy was like that. All of the sudden he would just decide he needed to get away and we would pack up the car and head to the mountains or the beach. Those were our 2 go-to places. It is funny, I don’t remember the vacations themselves very well but I remember the all of the sudden decisions and the traveling. We did a lot of traveling.

I am missing my daddy and my mommy today. Hug your family close. You never know when you are creating your very last memory.

The Ghost of the Woman she was

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My mother is gone. Don’t misunderstand she is still alive but the woman I knew as my mother has faded away. The Cancer has taken away her strength. The Cancer has taken away her mind.

Growing up my mother was always my rock. She was my soft place to land. It wasn’t easy growing up in my home. My father loved us but he was very hard on us. It wasn’t until after he passed away that I had the light bulb moment and realized he was bi-polar. When he was good to us he gave us the world. But when it was bad, it was very bad. During those times my mother looked out for us choosing to divert my father’s anger away from us and onto her.

She was a workhorse! She painted and cleaned apartments, she cleaned out the storage rooms they bought and sold, lifting heavy items, she even worked on the van most of the time when it broke down.

She was a listener and a giver and now she is fading away while I watch.

 I enjoyed having my parents over for dinner and playing a few hands of Canasta. Dad was a real competitor like me so we always made mom and Tony partner up while dad I kicked their butt… Oh the fun times.  She was a great cook; she always cooked those big Sunday dinners that you would expect with all the sides. She made some mean Chicken and Dumplings and Meatloaf!

It is so hard to watch her slip away. The once strong woman now has to depend on me to pick her up and take her to the bathroom. The once strong woman now has to struggle to get the words that she is thinking out and very often the ones she speaks is not the ones her mind is trying to say. This morning she told me she didn’t need to paint her breath. I never figured out what she was trying to say with those strange words.

My heart longs to be able to sit with my mother and have one of the conversations we would have had a few years ago, talking for hours about something as simple as the current books we were reading. But all we can talk about now, all she can maintain in a conversation are short answers and short thoughts. My heart breaks for those moments.

Cancer is an awful disease. It not only kills but it robs you of your life while you are still living. Don’t take your relationships for granted. Enjoy your friends and family because you never know when you will lose them.

I look at my mother and then at my daughter.  I want to make sure I give my daughter a ton of moments to remember, a ton of conversations and love and friendship. Because I realize now that at the end of my life those are the moments that will be most precious to her.