I feel the pounding of my heart
The race that isn’t run on the streets
The beat that isn’t played by the drums
It’s the rhythm of fear
My heart cries out to you
My soul hurts for you
I feel the pain that you’re masking
The drugs you take are breaking me
I long to heal you
To take away your hurt and pain
But you’re a master of avoidance
Always running away
Is it shame you feel
That keeps you at arms length
You should know that I love you
And that will never change
You are my blood
There is nothing
That could break my heart
More than your pain
In response to The Daily Post Prompt Vague
It has been a few months since I have written anything here.
It has taken me this long to be able to sit down at the computer and write without bawling my eyes out.
On September 9th my mother went to sleep for the last time. She was surrounded by her best friend, her pastor, and her sister. They told me they were playing her favorite song on the CD player, holding her hands and praying with her. She did not struggle; she did not feel any pain. She just simply took one last breath and left our world and stood in front of her maker.
I wasn’t with her but I think she wanted it that way. I think she was trying to keep myself and my brother from the pain of seeing her take her last breath. My mother was that kind of person. She was the most kind, generous, and loving woman you could have ever met. She loved her family and she would stand down giants to take care of us.
It was hard the last few months as I watched her slowly die here. But I wouldn’t change that for the world. My mother took care of us all our lives and I was able to give back a little to her, to take care of at a time in her life when she truly needed it.
I have been through all the stages of grief and I am beginning to see the light at the end. To realize I don’t have to feel guilty that life goes on. I don’t see her ghosts (those little reminders) in the rooms as much anymore. I don’t come down the stairs expecting to see her as often anymore. I don’t hear a crash and feel my heart drop that something happened to her anymore.
Stormy still asks about her often. But she says now that Nana lives in her heart like Jesus. It makes me terribly sad and terribly happy all at the same time. I am so glad that she got to know her Nana; even it was just for a little while. And I truly believe that Stormy is the only reason that mom fought her Cancer so hard at the beginning. She was determined she was going to see the child she had been waiting on for so long.
Life does go on. I didn’t get to give mom all the things I wanted to give her; a cruise, a visit to the aquarium, and many more things. She knows I tried! I only hope that I am able to give Stormy all the things she wants in life.
If I could give you any advice it would be don’t wait for the “right” moment to do those things you want to do in life, make the “right” moment right now. You never know how much time you have left on this earth.