Tag Archives: Hospice

A Sign… A Gift… on One of the Hardest Days of My Life

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For this weeks weekly photo challenge the topic is signs, I began searching for a few signs I knew I had pictures of: One that says: Arm/Leg for gas prices, one with the W missing from Waffle so it looked like it was and affle (awful) House, and a few more along this line. But then I saw the picture below and realized it was the greatest sign of all!

Besides the actual passing of my father and mother the hardest day of my life was the day I had to make the decision to put my mother in a hospice facility.

Only a few days later she would take her last breath.

The day she was admitted I was with her and when I left her that afternoon my heart was so heavy.

As I walked outside I looked up in the sky and saw this. It gave me chills. It also gave me peace. I really needed peace that day.

Maybe you can see what I saw that day or maybe what I see is just for me.

But it was one of the greatest signs I have ever been given!

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The Warmth of Your Love

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Two years ago today, my mother departed a sick, bedridden body and went to heaven. Walking proud and healed of all her sickness. It is easier this year than it was last year. I feel both sadness and comforted by that. I wrote this poem in memory of her.

 

The Warmth of Your Love

©S. Tennyson Taylor

 

Not a second goes by

When I don’t feel the warmth of your love

It has been two years today

Since I said goodbye

And yet, in each significant moment of my life

In each small act of kindness

I feel the warmth of your love

You taught me strength

You showed me kindness

You held my hand when we walked

You held me close when I was afraid

I felt the warmth of your love

I watched as disease riddled your body

The C word

The horrible, awful C word

You fought hard, squeezed out every bit of life you could

But in the end, the angels came

I can no longer wrap my arms around you

I can no longer sit up all night talking with you

I can no longer see your sweet face

But, no matter where I am

No matter what I am doing

Each and every day

I can still feel

The warmth of your love

My mom and I in 2007

My mom and I in 2007

Dividing my Time

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In the words of Charles Dickens, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”

“It was the best of times.” Being a mom to a 2 year old is the most awesome amazing thing in the world. She is learning new things every single day. She talks to us like a little adult it is a wonder just watching her learn and explore.

“It was the worst of times.” At the same time I am the caretaker of my wheelchair bound mother who has stage 4 lung cancer with Mets to the brain. She is on Hospice and lives with us. Actually in our living room since all the rooms are upstairs and she can’t get to them.

It is really hard some days managing both of those responsibilities and a full time job. Hubby is great with baby girl so the help he gives here is more than I think a lot of husbands would do. But a lot of times I feel like I am missing out on some of baby girls moments because I am taking care of mom.

That is when the guilt sets in. I feel guilty because mom is dying and even though I have a younger brother I am the only one who takes care of her. I feel guilty because I have to give so much time to mom that it takes away from baby girl. I feel guilty because sometimes I just want a normal life but I know what that would mean.

This morning I sat out on the front porch and it was so quiet with just the birds chirping and a warm breeze blowing, I imagined myself somewhere else on a vacation. It was only a few moments but it was refreshing. I guess I need to go sit out on the porch more often and clear my mind. Sometimes those few moments of peace are all I can get so I need to take advantage of them.