Tag Archives: Love

Vague

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I feel the pounding of my heart
The race that isn’t run on the streets
The beat that isn’t played by the drums
It’s the rhythm of fear

Boom
Boom

My heart cries out to you
My soul hurts for you
I feel the pain that you’re masking
The drugs you take are breaking me

Ripping
Agony

I long to heal you
To take away your hurt and pain
But you’re a master of avoidance
Always running away

Scared
Alone

Is it shame you feel
That keeps you at arms length
You should know that I love you
And that will never change 

Brother
Friend

You are my blood
There is nothing
That could break my heart
More than your pain

I
Love
You

In response to The Daily Post Prompt Vague

Being a Good Mommy Isn’t Always Rainbows and Unicorns

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So, last Thursday night, baby girl came down with the stomach virus. Seeing someone vomit makes daddy vomit, actually hearing someone make the vomiting sound could make daddy vomit, so mommy to the rescue.

*** Aren’t you impressed by how many times I can say vomit in one paragraph!

Truthfully, I didn’t mind at all. I mean, I hate she was sick but since she was, I wanted to be close to her and let her know how much I loved her, rubbing her back while she did her business and holding her close in her bed while she tried to get some sleep between bouts back and forth to the bathroom.

By the next morning she was all better. Fast forward 48 hours and guess who has the virus now. Yep, it was mommy. It was an awful, painful, exhausting night. But, I would do it again. I don’t want to do it again, but I would if that meant I was making baby girl feel better.

My husband said to me yesterday, when I was feeling better. “Now I bet you wish you hadn’t slept up there with her the other night.” Nope, that is not what I wish. What I wish is that I could have bypassed the virus. I would have slept up there with her again if it happened. I would do if she had the flu, strep throat, any kind of contagious disease at all. Mommy will ALWAYS be there by her side.

That is the price we pay as mommies. I would step in front a bus for her, I would do anything in my power to make her feel better always and forever.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am sure if for some reason I wasn’t able to, my husband would have stepped up to the plate, reluctantly, but he would have stepped up to the plate to take care of baby girl. But with mommy around, he didn’t have to.

Sometimes being a mommy or a daddy isn’t rainbows and unicorns, sometimes it’s rubbing a back that hunched over a toilet. No matter what it is the best job in the world and it pays in smiles, hugs, and kisses from my little angel. That is the best currency there is!

God Was Going To Drink Her?

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Today my brother and ten-year-old nephew were sitting in my living room looking over a photo book I had recently made of our cruise vacation.

As they looked over the pictures, my brother came to this one…

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His eyes lit up and his heart warmed. He said to my nephew,“and to think she was made in a cup.”

For those of you who may not know, my husband and I were married 18 years and trying for a baby before we finally sought out the help of fertility specialist. We had In-Vitro 3 times before one finally stuck.

That beautiful little girl who was made in petrie dish is our pride and joy.

My nephew, though he probably knows as we talk about it often, he likely doesn’t realize what In-Vitro actually means. Who knows if he even really knows how a baby is conceived the normal way.

So my brother said, “and to think she was made in a cup.”

And my nephew immediately, and with complete seriousness followed with, “So God was going to drink her?”

Oh, how I love that boy!

The Warmth of Your Love

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Two years ago today, my mother departed a sick, bedridden body and went to heaven. Walking proud and healed of all her sickness. It is easier this year than it was last year. I feel both sadness and comforted by that. I wrote this poem in memory of her.

 

The Warmth of Your Love

©S. Tennyson Taylor

 

Not a second goes by

When I don’t feel the warmth of your love

It has been two years today

Since I said goodbye

And yet, in each significant moment of my life

In each small act of kindness

I feel the warmth of your love

You taught me strength

You showed me kindness

You held my hand when we walked

You held me close when I was afraid

I felt the warmth of your love

I watched as disease riddled your body

The C word

The horrible, awful C word

You fought hard, squeezed out every bit of life you could

But in the end, the angels came

I can no longer wrap my arms around you

I can no longer sit up all night talking with you

I can no longer see your sweet face

But, no matter where I am

No matter what I am doing

Each and every day

I can still feel

The warmth of your love

My mom and I in 2007

My mom and I in 2007

Happy Anniversary, Honey!!

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It is hard to believe, that twenty-two years ago today, I said “I DO” to the man of my dreams, Tony.

Young Love 22 Years ago today!

Young Love 22 Years ago today!

Thinking back we were such babies. I had just turned 21 and he still had a few months to go. I know we were way too young to get married. It took years for us to really figure out who we were. But, I wouldn’t change it for a thing. I would marry him again tomorrow.

We met the old fashioned way, cruising. No not the kind of cruising you do on a boat, but cruising around in our cars, hanging out with our friends. Well, at least that is the way we did it here in Georgia back in 90’s.

He was with his buddy in little pick-up truck. I think it was a Ford. I was driving the big brown 1977 Cadillac that had belonged to my grandfather. It is important to note that the dragging muffler, which was annoying, was actually the only reason I met my future husband. So here is to all those dragging mufflers out there! CHEERS!

His eyes were the first thing I saw when he looked through the window and into the car. There was something in those eyes, familiarity, hope, intrigue. A short while later we began dating.

Ours was a rocky relationship. During our first year of dating were broke up as often as we were together. And they were HARSH break-ups. But something always seemed to pull us back to each other.

Our last break-up ended with him doing something stupid (they always do right!). But I didn’t let it go and cussed him out in a very populated area where his and my friends were. It was brutal. And we went our separate ways.

Fast forward a few months. I was dating 3 guys, not serious with any of them, but I was “OVER” the dating scene. I am not perfect but I have a faith in my God and when I realized that I was ready to settle down, I laid down one night and before I went to bed I prayed that God would show me which one of those boys it would be.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up the next morning and realized I had dreamed about Tony.  “It was a fluke,” I told myself. That is crazy. There is no way Tony is the one!

And so, the next night I prayed the same prayer. Guess who I dreamed about? Yep, Tony.  I was actually a little ticked at God. I mean why would he keep shoving Tony in my face when he clearly wasn’t one of my choices.

Day three and you guessed it, I dreamed of Tony again. By now I was like, “whatever”. I knew God had good intentions, but I mean Tony and our break-up was brutal. I mean, severe. But, since I do believe that God answers prayers, I finally found the nerve to call Tony later that day.

It is funny, I don’t remember the call word for word, but it went something like this.

“Hey, it’s Shelly.”
“Hey, what is up.”

“Not much, just thought I would call and say hi.”

“Cool, you wanna come hang out tonight?”

Yeah, after humiliating him in the parking lot, he asked me to come and hang out that night.
I went.

Later that night while we were hanging out, before I had a chance to tell him about my dream, I heard him tell a buddy of his that this was the girl he was going to marry. I knew that to be true. I mean, I had inside information.

His proposal came a few months later.
We had gone shopping for Christmas presents, but he dropped me off at the mall and then went his own way. I knew he was looking for a ring and expected him to ask me on Christmas Eve.

When he picked me back up from the mall that day, I asked him if he found what he was looking for and he said he did.

The drive home from the mall to his parents’ house, which is where we were headed, was only about thirty-minutes. But about half way through on the side of the East-West Connecter in Austell, Georgia, he pulled the car over.

He said he needed to “check” on something. After going to the trunk, he came around to my side of the car and opened my door. He got down on his knee, in the grass, on the side of the road and asked me to marry him. I, of course, said YES!

Some people may think that it wasn’t a romantic proposal. But the truth was it was extra romantic, because he wanted to ask me “SO BAD” that he couldn’t even wait until we got home. He was so excited to ask me to be a part of his life that he pulled over on a busy road. If that isn’t romantic, I don’t know what is!

And today we celebrate our 22nd wedding anniversary!

I love you babe and I am so happy that God chose you for me! — The picture below was in 2012 but I love it!!

2012 Cruise

2012 Cruise

To Walk in Your Shoes

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Today marks 1 year since my mother passed away.

I found a poem I wrote to her in 1999 – This would be 11 years before I had a child of my own and so it was so fitting that “I could only imagine”.

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To my mommy – To Walk in Your Shoes

I can only imagine how you must have felt to hold my tiny body in your arms the day I was born.

How you must have rejoiced when I spoke my first words and took my first steps.

Or how your heart must have broke the first time I got hurt.

I can only imagine how you must have sat and watched me walk into school that first day

How proud you must have been when I read my first words knowing that you instilled such a love of reading and writing.

I can only imagine how you must have felt to see me turning into a young woman.

To look into the eyes of what you still remember as a baby and see a little lady growing up before your eyes.

I can only imagine how your heart might have broke the first time mine was broken by a boy.

Or how you must have been filled with joy, love, and a even a touch of pain, to see me walk down the aisle on my wedding day.

Your little girl, all grown up.

I can only imagine how it feels, to be the most loving, giving, selfless, beautiful mother in the entire world.

I can only hope that one day I have the chance to be half the mother you have been to me.
I love you mommy, Happy Mother’s Day, your little girl, Shelly

(c) Shelly Tennyson Taylor 1999

The First One Without Her

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Me and mom

Me and mom

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It will be the first Mother’s Day without my mom. She died last September 9th, the day after what would have been her and my father’s 45th wedding anniversary if he hadn’t passed in 2009.

On one hand it seems like she has only been gone a moment and on another it feels like she has been gone forever. I don’t think my 3 year old daughter remembers her that much anymore. It makes me sad to think that she won’t remember the endless amount of love that my mother had for her. I try to talk about her when I can but that is hard. Talking about her reminds me that I will never be able to put my arms around her and hold her close again. My heart breaks.

My mother was my very best friend. She was smart and funny and strong oh my was my mother strong, both physically and emotionally.

As I sit here I am trying to remember a “just” me and mom story and I am reminded of a time when I was just maybe 9 or 10 years old and mom had a gym membership.

Looking back can’t help but wonder why she even had the membership she was always so fit. I don’t remember her ever being overweight. But she had the membership and my dad used to drop us off at the gym and she and I would go in get changed and then go play racquetball.

We weren’t very good at it but we had fun playing, plus we got our exercise in.

Afterward we would go to this little bar inside the gym and get a fruity drink. It is pretty much what is called smoothies these days but back then in 80’s they were just icy fruit drinks.

When we were done daddy would be waiting for us outside in the station wagon. We always had a station wagon or a white van, lol!

I have no idea what those afternoon racquetball games were about. We didn’t go long. A few months was all maybe. But I loved that time with my mom. It was just us girls. And I had forgotten all about it until I sat here to write today.

Everyone says life is short but we never seem to realize it until we begin to lose the people closest to us.

Mommy in Heaven, I love you so much. I miss you every day. I dreamed about you a few days ago and in my dream I was hugging you. It felt so real that I didn’t want to wake up. Enjoy your Mother’s Day in Heaven and I will see you again one day!

Happy Anniversary

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Young Love 21 Years ago today!

Young Love 21 Years ago today!

Today is a big day for me.

21 years ago today I stood in the back of my church as the ushers rolled out a white carpet. I walked down that carpet with my daddy by my side. When we reached the front of the church he lifted the veil off my face and gave me to my future husband. I stood there as nervous as I have ever been. Knees shaking, heart beating, but knowing that this was the man I was supposed to spend my life with.

When we embarked on that journey over 2 decades ago we had no idea what life would have in store for us. But we knew that no matter what we would take it in together. And we have.

I just wanted to wish my adorable amazing husband a Happy Anniversary!

A letter to my Pastor

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I wrote a letter to my pastor today and I realized when I was done that it was more than just a letter to him. It was my testimony and it deserved to be shared with all of you. So here it is:

Pastor Rick,

I just wanted to write you and tell you how much I appreciate you and Tonya. I have been telling my husband “I rebuke his thoughts” for years when he says stuff like. “I am getting sick.” “We are never going to get out of debt.” “We are never going to have a child.”

Your declaration sermon this past week really hit home. Tony (My husband) is better now. He doesn’t talk the way he did in the past but sometimes I hear those negative words coming out of his mouth and I rebuke them.

To tell you a little about us:

I was raised in a FIRE AND BRIMSTONE — HELL AND DAMNATION Church of God. And while I do admit I got saved because it literally SCARED THE DEVIL out of me at a very young age. I found it tiring and mentally exhausting to go to church every Sunday. I then went the opposite way and changed to a United Methodist Church (where I graduated high school) the sermons here left me lacking and wanting more. In the Church of God the Flock was at least lively and active. In the United Methodist the Flock simply sat staring and the man talking on the stage. Occasionally you would hear someone whisper an “Amen.”

My husband on the other hand was not raised in Church at all. It was a loving home but not a Godly home.

When we got married at the tender age of 21 I simply quit going to church. I was not happy at church at that time and Tony wasn’t used to going anyways. It was easy to justify not going to church. I mean I watched Church on TV on Sunday that was good enough, right……

When we got married I said that GOD was going to be my birth control. My mom had come close to getting Cancer from Birth Control Pills and I didn’t want to take that chance. A few years into our marriage and we wanted to have children and it just wasn’t happening. We went to a specialist and eventually found out my tubes were blocked. GOOD JOB GOD! That is one way to apply birth control. But now Tony and I wanted children. The only problem was in order to fix this we would need In-Vitro. This was in the late 1990’s and coming up with the $100 it took to go to the doctor was a hard task for us, much less trying to come up with $40K for In-Vitro.

We went back to our lives, knowing now that God really was our Birth Control. I prayed every day that God would open my tubes and give us a child. Tony began to drink. He escaped into the world of alcohol and gave up on the thought of a child. Maybe it was the woman in me but I could never ever give up that thought. I knew I was going to have a child even if that meant adoption. I WAS MEANT to be a mother. I KNEW it as well as I KNEW my own name.

Years passed 1996 turned into 2006 and Christopher Reeves (SUPERMAN’s) Wife died of Lung Cancer. She was not a smoker but a heavy drinker. Something inside Tony Clicked when this happened and he put down the Alcohol. Cold Turkey. DONE.

Things began to change; we started to work towards getting our finances in order with DAVE RAMSEY. In July of 2008 we were able to move out of a home that was eating us alive in payments and buy a home that was almost double the size and half the payments. GOD WAS GOOD.

In October of 2008 my company changed insurance plans. They are based out of NJ and when I read through the new plan at first I thought. This can’t be true……But it was. In NJ it is mandatory that you get the option of full coverage IN-VITRO and all other infertility treatments in your insurance plan.

I remember when I realized that this was true and about to happen. I sat down on the stairs of our new home that GOD had given us and cried like a baby tears of happiness.

It wasn’t easy. Satan threw things at us along the way. In 2009 while I was getting my tubes removed in preparation for In-Vitro my dad was in the hospital going through Kidney failure and in the process getting kicked out of their home (a small trailer near the lake – they said they didn’t want him to fall and sue them…). My parents moved into my living room.

They had told us that my tubes were THE ONLY thing wrong with me so getting pregnant should be easy. The first time it failed. I was devastated, HEARTBROKEN. I wondered WHY God had opened all these doors for us only to shut them in our face. The second time it failed again. We tried a 3rd time this was going to be the last for a while. I was tired. In case you don’t know IN-VITRO is hard work. There are bi-weekly doctor’s appointments multiple self given shots in a single day. It is a physical and emotional rollercoaster. But when I saw that word “Pregnant” come up on a home pregnancy test I have never been happier in my entire life.

During all this my mom was diagnosed with Cancer (She died September 2012) and my dad would die in 2009 when I was only 13 weeks pregnant. Bittersweet heartbreak but I knew the child I was carrying was my reason for living. She gave me hope again.

Our sweet bundle of Joy that we named STORMY was born on APRIL FOOLS DAY! After she was born Tony and I both agreed that we had to thank GOD for what he did for us, what he gave to us. We took our baby girl to my mother’s church (The HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE Church) and had her dedicated to Christ. We knew this wasn’t the church for us so we began to search for ours. We went back to the United Methodist Church I graduated from and although I love the pastor and he had good messages, the congregation was so sullen. It felt like they were just going through the rituals for getting to church on Sunday morning.

My best friend’s mother-in-law sweet Gail Yarbrough had been trying to get us to come to Bethany for years. Too bad we waited until she was gone to do just that.

I remember that first Sunday sitting in the parking lot and watching everyone I MEAN EVERYONE come in wearing jeans. I remember being judgmental and wondering what we were doing at a church who didn’t bother to dress up for God. This was how I was raised in BOTH churches after all.

But once inside I knew. I had the answer. They weren’t dressing up to please the other members; they were going to church in WHATEVER they had to worship and LOVE God. To simply hear the WORD of GOD. The GOOD NEWS…. Live life and HAVE GOOD Days.

I am so Thankful for you and Bethany and mostly to MY GOD who placed us there.

18 years after we were married and made that vow that GOD would be my birth control, I had my daughter. Truer words have never been spoken, “God’s ways are not our ways.” But I am so thankful that he is a GOOD GOD. And by DECLARING those words “I WILL BE A MOTHER.” For so many years, it came true.

I am sorry to have rambled for so long but I thought it was time I shared our story with you and thanked you for what you and Bethany are to us. Home.

Filled with God’s Blessing even in the darkest hours,
Shelly & Tony Taylor (& Stormy too)