Tag Archives: Mom

Undo – The Single Change I Would Make in my Life

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For the most part I wouldn’t change anything in my life.
Because with change means all the circumstances and things that come after could be altered or not exist.

So changing anything that would leave me without my wonderful husband and beautiful daughter is just not an option.

There is however, one moment in time I would change.

It was January 20th, 2012, the day before we were leaving to go on a cruise. We were taking my mother who had never been and always wanted to go. She and I were getting ready to go have a mani-pedi and I walked away from the kitchen as she stood up to go and get ready. In the seconds I walked away she slipped and slid down the back wall, landing on a hard ceramic dog food bowl and breaking her hip.

She didn’t get to go on her cruise, we had been counting down the days.

She would eventually pass away in September. I think the depression that came on after her hip was broken all led to the end for my sweet momma.

So yes, I would change that moment. I would have stayed. I would have made sure she got up and did not fall. I would have let her have her cruise. Maybe she would have still been gone by September, maybe not.

— This post is in response to The Daily Post Prompt – Undo

And now I realize I totally messed up the Prompt… it was to Un-Invent something…. So…. crap….. I would Un-Invent Ceramic Dog food bowls…. 🙂

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A Confession and Suppressed Grief

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So, for the past week I have been going through the motions of a mindless eater. Actually that isn’t entirely true, I have knowingly gone into the cupboards and found the hidden Nutella jar (by the way it is either heavenly goodness or the devil, I haven’t decided which yet), eaten spoonfuls of peanut butter & Nutella mixture, taken handfuls of cereal, eaten ice cream and basically anything I wanted. Now, for a normal person this might be okay, however I am recently back at my Weight Watchers lifetime weight and so this has put all of that in jeopardy.  I dread the scale next week…. Sorry Susan, advance warning of my breakdown.

Not only have my eating habits been bad, but also I have not written a single word or edited a single page in my novel in the past 6 days. I am not reading, and I am spending mindless hours a day trying to Crush Candy…..

The question is why?

I had an epiphany moment a bit ago when I opened a piece of mail from Cobb Hospice. Reminding me, As if that wasn’t all that has been going through my head since the start of September, that we are coming up on the 1-Year anniversary of my mother’s passing.

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Aha!
In all my mindless acts, I do not have to think.
If I start to think, I might be reminded that I have lived the past year of my life without my mother, my best friend, my daughter’s Nana. Without these mindless acts, I would have to think and realize how much I miss her and how I would love to just have her arms around me one more time in a comforting hug.  I might have to realize that I finally wrote and finished a story AFTER she died and so she was not able to read it. I might have to register when my daughter says she misses her Nana. I might have to take off the mask of “I am fine, I am strong.”
I might have to allow myself to grieve for her again.  

I guess the little box I had this all tucked away in is getting wet and soggy and breaking down.

For a moment, I will allow myself to cry and be mad and sad and happy she isn’t in pain anymore. I will feel sorry for myself and for my daughter for not getting more time with her. And then, I will wipe away my tears, put on my happy face, and put it all back in a new little box and tuck it away.

Of course, in 3 days on September 9th, when we come to the “actual” day that Momma went to be with Daddy in Heaven then I might have to pull that box back out and allow myself another good cry.

The First One Without Her

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Me and mom

Me and mom

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It will be the first Mother’s Day without my mom. She died last September 9th, the day after what would have been her and my father’s 45th wedding anniversary if he hadn’t passed in 2009.

On one hand it seems like she has only been gone a moment and on another it feels like she has been gone forever. I don’t think my 3 year old daughter remembers her that much anymore. It makes me sad to think that she won’t remember the endless amount of love that my mother had for her. I try to talk about her when I can but that is hard. Talking about her reminds me that I will never be able to put my arms around her and hold her close again. My heart breaks.

My mother was my very best friend. She was smart and funny and strong oh my was my mother strong, both physically and emotionally.

As I sit here I am trying to remember a “just” me and mom story and I am reminded of a time when I was just maybe 9 or 10 years old and mom had a gym membership.

Looking back can’t help but wonder why she even had the membership she was always so fit. I don’t remember her ever being overweight. But she had the membership and my dad used to drop us off at the gym and she and I would go in get changed and then go play racquetball.

We weren’t very good at it but we had fun playing, plus we got our exercise in.

Afterward we would go to this little bar inside the gym and get a fruity drink. It is pretty much what is called smoothies these days but back then in 80’s they were just icy fruit drinks.

When we were done daddy would be waiting for us outside in the station wagon. We always had a station wagon or a white van, lol!

I have no idea what those afternoon racquetball games were about. We didn’t go long. A few months was all maybe. But I loved that time with my mom. It was just us girls. And I had forgotten all about it until I sat here to write today.

Everyone says life is short but we never seem to realize it until we begin to lose the people closest to us.

Mommy in Heaven, I love you so much. I miss you every day. I dreamed about you a few days ago and in my dream I was hugging you. It felt so real that I didn’t want to wake up. Enjoy your Mother’s Day in Heaven and I will see you again one day!

The Ghost of the Woman she was

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My mother is gone. Don’t misunderstand she is still alive but the woman I knew as my mother has faded away. The Cancer has taken away her strength. The Cancer has taken away her mind.

Growing up my mother was always my rock. She was my soft place to land. It wasn’t easy growing up in my home. My father loved us but he was very hard on us. It wasn’t until after he passed away that I had the light bulb moment and realized he was bi-polar. When he was good to us he gave us the world. But when it was bad, it was very bad. During those times my mother looked out for us choosing to divert my father’s anger away from us and onto her.

She was a workhorse! She painted and cleaned apartments, she cleaned out the storage rooms they bought and sold, lifting heavy items, she even worked on the van most of the time when it broke down.

She was a listener and a giver and now she is fading away while I watch.

 I enjoyed having my parents over for dinner and playing a few hands of Canasta. Dad was a real competitor like me so we always made mom and Tony partner up while dad I kicked their butt… Oh the fun times.  She was a great cook; she always cooked those big Sunday dinners that you would expect with all the sides. She made some mean Chicken and Dumplings and Meatloaf!

It is so hard to watch her slip away. The once strong woman now has to depend on me to pick her up and take her to the bathroom. The once strong woman now has to struggle to get the words that she is thinking out and very often the ones she speaks is not the ones her mind is trying to say. This morning she told me she didn’t need to paint her breath. I never figured out what she was trying to say with those strange words.

My heart longs to be able to sit with my mother and have one of the conversations we would have had a few years ago, talking for hours about something as simple as the current books we were reading. But all we can talk about now, all she can maintain in a conversation are short answers and short thoughts. My heart breaks for those moments.

Cancer is an awful disease. It not only kills but it robs you of your life while you are still living. Don’t take your relationships for granted. Enjoy your friends and family because you never know when you will lose them.

I look at my mother and then at my daughter.  I want to make sure I give my daughter a ton of moments to remember, a ton of conversations and love and friendship. Because I realize now that at the end of my life those are the moments that will be most precious to her.

Irrational Fears!

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I don’t know about you but every time I get one of those Children’s Life Insurance letters in the mail it feels like a brick landed in my stomach.
I know we are supposed to be prepared and make smart decisions but I can’t bring myself to open the envelope. If something happened to my sweet baby girl I wouldn’t need life insurance I would need an institution.

I mean I still cut her sandwiches up in little pieces….Now give me some credit I did try to give her larger pieces a few times that she could pick up and bite off but she likes the smaller bite size pieces better. I do nick her blueberries before I give them to her and she still hasn’t had a raisin or a peanut. I know she has teeth but choking freaks me out!

And as of yet she has not slept away from home once or rode in a car driven by anyone else but hubby and myself. I know she is going to have to do these things one day but I get fearful just thinking about them.

I guess because we tried so long to have a child and finally she is here. I want to protect her with every ounce of my being. I love my husband we have been married for 20 years and I would be beyond devastated if something happened to him. But my child who came from my body I would be completely and utterly lost.

I know the day is going to come when she eats a whole blueberry without me nicking it first but until then I just want to hold her close and keep her safe!

Dividing my Time

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In the words of Charles Dickens, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”

“It was the best of times.” Being a mom to a 2 year old is the most awesome amazing thing in the world. She is learning new things every single day. She talks to us like a little adult it is a wonder just watching her learn and explore.

“It was the worst of times.” At the same time I am the caretaker of my wheelchair bound mother who has stage 4 lung cancer with Mets to the brain. She is on Hospice and lives with us. Actually in our living room since all the rooms are upstairs and she can’t get to them.

It is really hard some days managing both of those responsibilities and a full time job. Hubby is great with baby girl so the help he gives here is more than I think a lot of husbands would do. But a lot of times I feel like I am missing out on some of baby girls moments because I am taking care of mom.

That is when the guilt sets in. I feel guilty because mom is dying and even though I have a younger brother I am the only one who takes care of her. I feel guilty because I have to give so much time to mom that it takes away from baby girl. I feel guilty because sometimes I just want a normal life but I know what that would mean.

This morning I sat out on the front porch and it was so quiet with just the birds chirping and a warm breeze blowing, I imagined myself somewhere else on a vacation. It was only a few moments but it was refreshing. I guess I need to go sit out on the porch more often and clear my mind. Sometimes those few moments of peace are all I can get so I need to take advantage of them.