Tag Archives: pain

Vague

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I feel the pounding of my heart
The race that isn’t run on the streets
The beat that isn’t played by the drums
It’s the rhythm of fear

Boom
Boom

My heart cries out to you
My soul hurts for you
I feel the pain that you’re masking
The drugs you take are breaking me

Ripping
Agony

I long to heal you
To take away your hurt and pain
But you’re a master of avoidance
Always running away

Scared
Alone

Is it shame you feel
That keeps you at arms length
You should know that I love you
And that will never change 

Brother
Friend

You are my blood
There is nothing
That could break my heart
More than your pain

I
Love
You

In response to The Daily Post Prompt Vague

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Breaking Through the Fog

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I haven’t written much the last few days. Every inch of my body and soul has been wracked with grief.

A week ago today we were going about our lives in our normal fashion. Then on Tuesday morning I received a phone call that will forever change our family. Our nephew, my husband’s brother’s one-year-old son was on life support. Fighting for his life after the doctors found a large brain tumor and rushed him to surgery. The swelling around the tumor caused what I believe was a stroke. He was brain-dead. We prayed for a miracle and even though I know and believe that God grants miracles, we didn’t get one for baby Sam. Baby Sam went home to the Lord on Wednesday night.

My husband’s brother and family live across the ocean in Germany. So not being able to be with them and support them during this time has been extremely painful. I am afraid to fly, but I am going to get my passport so if any other kind of emergency arises I can be with the ones I love and who need me.

Today as I write this they are having service for sweet Sam and saying goodbye to him. I am a mother to an only child, just like my sister-in-law. I can’t imagine what she is going through. I don’t want to. My heart breaks for her and when I let myself slip into what I feel has to be her frame of mind, I lose my own.

My heart actually aches, the pain is palpable. I worry for them, they were just married when they visited us here in the states over the Christmas holiday. Today is the first day that I have been able to start to type without breaking down.  I am breaking through the fog, but I worry so much about my brother and sister in law. The only thing that gives me hope they will pull through this is something my brother-in-law put on his Facebook page yesterday. I have copied and pasted it below.

If you are a praying person I would gladly accept any you could give to our family especially sweet Sam’s Momma and Papa!

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When we got up this morning it was cold and raining. I cracked a few windows to let some air flow through the house. I started packing some of Sam’s things. One of the neighbors and Joyce’s good friend came over to help. Joyce was sitting alone in the living room, looking at Sam’s pic, talking to it, and kissing it…saying come back to Mama, Sam.

I was in the garage when her friend came to me and said Joyce needed me right away. I hurried to the living room and found Joyce and the neighbor on the couch crying. Joyce said Sam is here! Sam is here! I looked up and saw the most amazing thing. A unbelievably beautiful butterfly was flying around the living room and even landed on the carpet that Sam used to play on. we watched it fly for a while, visiting all of the places where Sam liked to play.Then I opened the balcony door to let it out. It came over and landed on the door but wouldn’t leave. I tried to gently coax it out by waving the curtains at it. Joyce went to it, held here finger out, and said come to Mama. It climbed on right away and she said its ok Mama is crying because Mama misses you so much. As she talked to it, It didn’t want to leave her finger so she sat it on the mat outside and said its ok you can go and Mama loves you so much, but please come back again. The butterfly slowly flew straight up into the sky towards heaven and disappeared over the roof top.

In the Philippines, the people believe that if you see a butterfly when someone passes away, it is the soul of that person.

I find this event truly amazing because as long as we have lived here, there has never been a butterfly of that species in this area. And, I have never in my life seen a butterfly in the dead of winter especially while raining………….have you?

From now on, I will be cracking the windows every morning.

The Locked Box

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Today’s daily post prompt is an Audience of One – Simply to write a post or letter to the one person you wished was reading your blog right now. My contribution is below.

The Locked Box

I miss you.

I am a master at putting my feelings away in a little box and locking it up with an array of different locks and keys.

Why do I do this, you ask?

Because I miss you.

If I didn’t lock away my feelings, I might be reminded of the fact I will never get to hear your voice again.

I would know you weren’t going to show up for any holiday gatherings.

I would be forced to acknowledge the fact that your granddaughter only had a few short years with you.

I would be reminded that others I know, can still hug their mother close.

I would have to face the fact that I will never again feel your arms around me.

When I have news to share, I would know I couldn’t call you.

I would cry.

A lot.

So instead, I lock away those feelings. I keep them in a precious box that no one knows the combination to.

Because thinking of you is too painful.

Missing you tears me apart.

I feel raw and sad and lonely.

I love you, mom.

I miss you!

Flash Fiction Challenge – There Will Be No Gravy

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It has been a while since I participated in one of these, but since I am between stories right now I thought it would be fun.

TerribleMinds is a blog run by Chuck Wendig – He is smart, talented, and very potty mouthed. But his advice for anyone who writes is superb. If you haven’t checked him out and you don’t mind a few a lot of curse words, then you should. Check him out that is.

Anyways, each week he has a Flash Fiction Challenge – This week it is to write an entire story in 100 words. Not as easy as it sounds. Plus we are supposed to make the reader FEEL something.

I decided to give it a try and my story is below. Hope you enjoy.

 

There Would Be No Gravy

I stared at the empty pan. What was I doing?

My job was turkey and dressing. I never made gravy.

It seems like a simple task, making gravy. But she made the best. I never watched or learned.

Even while cancer ate away at her, I lived in denial. Mom the invincible made the gravy.

In a few minutes, the house would surge with family. I stared at the empty pan. The clock blinked 3:25, it was time.

The knock on the door came, “We’re here, Merry Christmas.”

I crumbled and wept. It wouldn’t be a merry Christmas without gravy.

© Shelly Tennyson Taylor 5-2014