Tag Archives: weight

My Name is Shelly and I am Addicted to the Scale

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For those of you who have read a few of my recent blog posts, you know that I am in the midst of working on the P90X3 program. Wowser, it is tough but makes you feel strong and great when you finish.

Still, I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I am about 25lbs overweight now and it gets frustrating when I eat right, exercise and my scale number does not go down.

So yesterday I weighed and the number was up!! Needless to say I was in a bad mood all day.

My husband, who is tired of me allowing the scale to dictate how I feel, has hidden my scale.

This might not seem like a big deal. But I am someone who weighs myself about 5 times a day: In the morning when I wake up, after lunch, before dinner, after dinner, before bed. I even weigh myself in the middle of the night when I have to get up to use the bathroom.

I know this isn’t healthy, and yet I am drawn to see what the number says. If it is good, I can eat lunch. If it is bad I need to skip lunch. This is the mentality of a crazy person I know. I have never claimed to be the sanest person.

But now, for a week, I am forced to have no scale. How will I know how I am supposed to feel? How will I know if I can eat lunch or not?

There is a Walmart down the road; I guess I could “go shopping.”

Am I alone? Am I the only one who allows the scale to dictate how they feel?

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A Confession and Suppressed Grief

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So, for the past week I have been going through the motions of a mindless eater. Actually that isn’t entirely true, I have knowingly gone into the cupboards and found the hidden Nutella jar (by the way it is either heavenly goodness or the devil, I haven’t decided which yet), eaten spoonfuls of peanut butter & Nutella mixture, taken handfuls of cereal, eaten ice cream and basically anything I wanted. Now, for a normal person this might be okay, however I am recently back at my Weight Watchers lifetime weight and so this has put all of that in jeopardy.  I dread the scale next week…. Sorry Susan, advance warning of my breakdown.

Not only have my eating habits been bad, but also I have not written a single word or edited a single page in my novel in the past 6 days. I am not reading, and I am spending mindless hours a day trying to Crush Candy…..

The question is why?

I had an epiphany moment a bit ago when I opened a piece of mail from Cobb Hospice. Reminding me, As if that wasn’t all that has been going through my head since the start of September, that we are coming up on the 1-Year anniversary of my mother’s passing.

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Aha!
In all my mindless acts, I do not have to think.
If I start to think, I might be reminded that I have lived the past year of my life without my mother, my best friend, my daughter’s Nana. Without these mindless acts, I would have to think and realize how much I miss her and how I would love to just have her arms around me one more time in a comforting hug.  I might have to realize that I finally wrote and finished a story AFTER she died and so she was not able to read it. I might have to register when my daughter says she misses her Nana. I might have to take off the mask of “I am fine, I am strong.”
I might have to allow myself to grieve for her again.  

I guess the little box I had this all tucked away in is getting wet and soggy and breaking down.

For a moment, I will allow myself to cry and be mad and sad and happy she isn’t in pain anymore. I will feel sorry for myself and for my daughter for not getting more time with her. And then, I will wipe away my tears, put on my happy face, and put it all back in a new little box and tuck it away.

Of course, in 3 days on September 9th, when we come to the “actual” day that Momma went to be with Daddy in Heaven then I might have to pull that box back out and allow myself another good cry.